


Pluto

by aminami



Series: little star travellers [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (sex is implied but it's not very graphic), Angst, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, character injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4853714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aminami/pseuds/aminami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tooru was ever the astronaut despite never leaving the solid ground. Maybe he couldn’t sleep at night because he was too afraid to miss the stars. Or maybe he was forever jet-lagged from his travels into unknown lands, distant and unreachable to his best friend."</p><p>In which Iwaizumi discovers the true face of kindness, while Oikawa tries to understand that there’s more to life than volleyball.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pluto

**Author's Note:**

> This work might be very triggering to those suffering from a mental illness.
> 
> The panic attack scene starts with words "I need to go" and ends with "Oikawa’s parents were waiting right there...", in case you want to skip it.
> 
> If you decide to read it but you'll feel it affecting you, please close the tab immediately, and find something to cheer you up. Personally, I can suggest googling "Cute Pikachu Dancing." It's very hard not to smile. 
> 
> No work of fiction is worth putting yourself through mental discomfort. Please remember that.

“The universe doesn't allow perfection.”

― Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time 

 

* * *

 

 

He could never understand why Oikawa made him think of the stars.

It wasn’t romantic. Even if it were, Iwaizumi wouldn’t be able to understand anyway, just like he'd never understood poetry. Oikawa had, but hated it anyway. Truth be told, if Oikawa had any say in the matter, he wouldn’t like Iwaizumi comparing him to anything at all. “It’s useless,” Oikawa once said after absolutely acing all literature related questions on their test. “Create obscure comparisons. Delude yourself it makes all the difference whether love is a like a storm or a cherry blossom blown by the wind. It’s awfully egocentric to think any form of written introspection changes anything in this world. ”

“Oi, Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi grumbled. His test didn’t go well at all. “You’re the last person who should be preaching about egocentrism.”

He expected Oikawa to reply with something like “Mean, Iwa-chan!” to get everybody’s attention, the way he always had. Instead, Oikawa just smirked.

“Hajime,” he said with this awfully low voice of his that made Iwaizumi’s blood run cold. “Don’t go around saying things like that. Someone might think you actually mean it.”

He didn’t say anything then because if he did, he would have to say ‘You’re right, I don’t.’

It’s not like Oikawa would care either way. Most of the time, Iwaizumi thought his best friend didn’t care about anything other than volleyball. He often looked at this Oikawa the way he was now, trying to catch the ghost of Tooru he once knew, but for years that child had been playing with him hide and seek, effectively winning.

 _Maybe just maybe_ , Iwaizumi thought. _Once people change, there’s no turning back_.

When they first met, Oikawa was shy and alone.

He was talented and pretty, and not much changed since then. But those things, so appealing to grown ups, don’t matter much to kids. And so, Oikawa was praised by his teachers, and loved by the adults, but his peers considered him to be pretentious and mostly, strange. _Pompous_ , was a word Hajime learns later on, and that seemed to fit Oikawa pretty well. The relationship between Oikawa and his peers was one built on a mutual agreement; they ignored each other’s existence and in process, no one got hurt. Everyone stayed away from him, and Oikawa stayed away from them. 

Coincidentally, Hajime was pretty much the same way.

He was taller than most of the kids, which seems funny now, since most of them, including Oikawa, ended up outgrowing him eventually. He was strong and even then, slightly short-tempered. It was only natural for everyone to be afraid of him, at least this is what Iwaizumi thinks now. Back then, he didn’t understand at all. He simply felt hurt and alone, and no matter how hard he tried, he simply couldn’t get other kids to like him. 

Everyone avoided him except for Oikawa.  

At first, Iwaizumi didn’t pay attention to him.  

They didn’t have any common interests, and both of them chose to play alone. They knew of each other but never exchanged a word. Iwaizumi wasn’t even sure he knew the boy’s name.

One day, Iwaizumi left his usual hiding spot and wandered off to a part of the playground he’d hardly ever visited. The teacher was watching the kids carefully but that didn’t stop some of his peers from the usual cruel jokes, and Hajime just wanted to disappear.

And then he realized that someone was watching him.

A skinny boy was hiding behind a tree, staring at him with his big brown eyes. It took Iwaizumi a moment to notice that he was scrunching his nose, clearly upset with something Iwaizumi was doing.

“Move,” he said suddenly.

A lot of things happened at once. Some kid started crying somewhere behind them, the teacher yelled something, and Iwaizumi grabbed the boy the collar and shook him hard, as the boy tried to kick him with his long legs. He wasn’t much shorter than Iwaizumi, but in the end, Iwaizumi was stronger.

“What do you want?!” He yelled as the kid ineffectively tried to free himself from his grip, muttering something under his breath that sounded like threats. “You want to make fun of me too?!”

“…aliens.” The boy gasped out, completely red on the face.

Iwaizumi dropped him and the boy nearly fell on the ground.

“Huh?”

“You’re standing on their landing spot,” the boy mumbled, regaining his balance. “I’m waiting for them to take me away. Also, you’re lucky that Ma-chan started crying. You’d get as both in trouble if the teacher saw.”

Iwaizumi stared.

“You mean you want to get abducted?”

He shrugged, avoiding Iwaizumi’s gaze.

“Why would you want the aliens to abduct you?” Hajime asked, genuinely curious.

“Anything’s better than here.”

“Wouldn’t your parents miss you?”

“I have a sister. It’s not like they’d be alone.”

“…wouldn’t _you_ miss them?”

The boy finally met his eyes.

“You shouldn’t put your nose inside other people’s business, you know,” he said with a dangerous grin. “Who knows, it might grow bigger than it already is.”

Iwaizumi clenched his fists.

The next thing he remembered was sitting next to him in the nurse’s office, as the nurse took care of a huge bruise on Hajime’s forehead.

“You should apologize to Tooru, Hajime-kun,” she said, clicking her tongue. “You nearly broke his nose.”

“Sorry,” he grumbled and awkwardly patted the boy’s shoulder. He felt he was being watched, and hesitantly, he met his gaze. He didn’t see any trace of anger, though. It seemed much more like curiosity. The boy, Tooru, gave him a small smile, still keeping a bloody cotton bud pressed against his nose.

“It’s okay,” he said, his voice slightly changed. “I provoked you. It’s only fair that you tried to break my nose after I insulted yours.”

“It doesn’t make it okay,” Iwaizumi mumbled. “I never hit anyone, you know? And I didn’t want to hit you.”

“Your name is Hajime, right?”

Iwaizumi nodded.

“I’m Tooru,” the boy said putting his hand on Hajime’s fist. Iwaizumi felt his fingers relaxing under Tooru’s touch. “Let’s be friends, okay?”

Obviously, the teacher called their parents. Tooru explained that he’d provoked Iwaizumi and even pushed him first, thinking that Iwaizumi was making fun of him. It wasn’t true. He never asked Oikawa to lie for him, but Oikawa did anyway. Luckily, none of them got into much trouble. They promised to get along and the teacher gave them nothing but a warning. Needless to say, both of them got grounded. And Tooru was the first person Hajime wanted to see, after he was allowed to go out and play for the first time in a week.

Oikawa opened up to him very slowly. Sometimes he’d stay quiet for an entire day and other days, he’d kept his answers laconic and wouldn’t meet Hajime’s eyes.

It was a year or so until he learnt to trust Hajime and when he did, it was hard to get him to shut up.

Sometimes it felt like they became friends because none of them had anything better to do. It wasn’t fate, it wasn’t destiny. If it were, it’s not like it would matter, since neither Iwaizumi nor Oikawa believe in such things.

They were completely different. Oikawa would get easily excited over random stuff, talked a lot, and cared about things normal people would never waste their time on. Hajime, on the other hand, was more quiet and less energetic, but at the same time always ready to support Tooru in whatever stupid idea the boy happened to have.

“Join me on a adventure, Hajime!” Tooru would yell first thing in the morning, and before they knew it, it became their thing. Everything Tooru did could be called an adventure, whether it was going to school or visiting a local playground. And sometimes, he would make Hajime go to his parents’ garden and get him to read out loud.

“Oi, can’t you read by yourself,” Iwaizumi would say every time, and Tooru always had the same answer:

“I just like listening to your voice, Hajime.”

He knew just how pointless it was to argue with Tooru, so he never bothered to continue.

Oikawa was one of the kids who treated demotion of Pluto way too seriously.

"Why do you care so much, idiot Tooru?” Iwaizumi said one time. “Planet or not, it’s still far away. It’s not like you can go there. And even if by some miracle, you could, it still wouldn’t make any difference.”

“Did you know, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa interrupted him. The nickname was new but Hajime liked it for some reason. “That at noon on Pluto it’s bright enough to read a book? Even though it’s so far away from the sun!”

“So?”

"I was just thinking,” Oikawa said. “That I would love if Iwa-chan could read a book for me there one day. It’s quiet there. And nothing could distract me from hearing Iwa-chan’s voice.”

“Could you get any dumber?” Iwaizumi chuckled. “You’d die. There’s no oxygen on Pluto, you know that right? And who’d want you for an astronaut in the first place?”

“Iwa-chan, stop ruining my dreams! That’s so mean!”

As they grew, Oikawa became less and less shy. At the same time, he became much more popular. He was as intelligent and talented as ever, and Iwaizumi would like to say those were the factors that made him popular, but in truth, it was mostly thanks to his beauty. He wasn’t just attractive or just pretty. Oikawa was admittedly the most beautiful person Hajime had ever seen.

And yet, Iwaizumi often caught himself thinking that apart from growing up to be beautiful, Oikawa grew to be unkind.

He couldn’t name a single deed that made him think this way in the first place. It was just a hunch that came from knowing Tooru for a long time.

He saw it in the way his eyes would twinkle dangerously when someone would disagree with him.  He heard it in the way Tooru laughed when joking around with girls. Whenever Oikawa smiled, Iwaizumi just assumed he didn’t mean it.

 

 _There’s no such thing as ugly people_ , Hajime’s mom would often tell him. _It’s unkindness that is ugly. Be kind child, and you’ll never be anything other than beautiful._

 

Sometimes Iwaizumi thought that it was only fair. It was only fair after years of rejection, for Tooru to push people away as well. He never talked to Hajime about it, but he could just tell, he didn’t trust other people. He didn’t even trust his best friend, at least not entirely.

Oikawa Tooru carried his own burdens alone and never said a thing.

He could be irritating. In fact, no one annoyed Hajime more. He’d text him in the middle of the night about the most stupid of stuff, he’d wind him up on purpose just to get a reaction out of him, and sometimes he’d ignore him for days without reason.

Tooru was ever the astronaut despite never leaving the solid ground. Maybe he couldn’t sleep at night because he was too afraid to miss the stars. Or maybe he was forever jet-lagged from his travels into unknown lands, distant and unreachable to his best friend. 

“Is there anything in this world you’re afraid of?” Oikawa asked him once. 

Iwaizumi sighed.

 

* * *

 

When Oikawa got into volleyball, Iwaizumi followed. It was just another adventure, after all.

It was everything he ever talked about anyway and Iwaizumi liked it more than any other sport. He was a good player, perhaps not as athletic as Oikawa, but it was enough to get by. He could see himself continuing to play even if Oikawa were to get bored after some time. Tooru was the type to get obsessive over things quickly but usually his enthusiasm was rather short-lived. Iwaizumi had expected volleyball to be one of those obsessions, but that proved to be untrue and Hajime was glad. He liked doing things with Tooru. 

Soon, the whole school knew them. Oikawa and Iwaizumi, the inseparable volleyball duo. Wherever they went, there was a lot of laughter since every conversation usually ended with Oikawa saying something mean and Hajime chasing after him, threatening to beat him up.

“Stop running, shitty Oikawa!”

“Why Iwa-chan, that sounds just like a nickname! Like Spooky Mulder!”

“The only thing that’s spooky about you is how dumb you are!”

“Ow, Iwa-chan, no, no, stop hitting me!”

They continued to play volleyball through junior high, and that was when Oikawa started talking about becoming a professional player in the future.

“You should consider it too, Iwa-chan.”

“I’m not sure,” Iwaizumi shrugged, packing his bag. “I like volleyball but I can’t see myself doing it for the rest of my life, I guess.”

“Really?” Tooru started humming quietly, clearly lost in thought. “I can’t imagine doing anything else. I just really want to play. No, it’s more than that. I want to be the best and play with the strongest players in the world.”

“Calm down, idiot,” Iwaizumi flicked his ear and Oikawa yelped. “Japan is full of amazing players. How about beating them first?”

And so they met Ushijima Wakatoshi.

And they lost. They kept losing and it hurt, it hurt every time. It was the first time Iwaizumi felt just as obsessed about winning as Oikawa. And every time they lost, he could feel Tooru slipping further and further away from him.

It only got worse during their last year at Kitagawa Daiichi when Oikawa was faced with another volleyball prodigy. Iwaizumi liked Kageyama but sometimes he couldn’t help but want him gone, for Tooru’s sake. It was selfish in a way. He hated to see Oikawa over-working himself but what he hated even more, was that there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

In the end, Iwaizumi couldn’t make Tooru realize just how much he cared. He yelled a lot but no matter what he said, his words never truly reached him. The night he stopped Oikawa from punching Kageyama, he felt scared. Scared of his own inadequacy and scared of the person his best friend was slowly becoming.

But he knew Tooru was just as scared as he was.

“Why can’t you just leave that poor kid alone?” He barked, waiting for him to get his stuff. “What makes you think you have the right to belittle anyone? How are you more important than any other human being on this planet?”

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sighed. He seemed absolutely unimpressed by Iwaizumi’s tirade, and clearly wanted to say something, but Iwaizumi had stopped him.

“I’m not asking you to become a perfect senpai or whatever! If you can’t be nice to Kageyama for his sake, then be nice to him for yourself! Why is it so hard for you…” 

“Iwa-chan wants me to be a kind,” Tooru sing-songed. “But maybe Iwa-chan can’t just accept that I’m simply not a kind person?”

“If you can’t be kind, then pretend to be kind!” Iwaizumi yelled. “It still beats being an asshole _on purpose.”_

Oikawa’s eyes widened and Iwaizumi felt himself calm down.

“Look, Oikawa…”

“I just had a thought,” Tooru interrupted him. He took a step closer and put his hands on his hips. He looked intimidating, Hajime had to admit, even if their height difference wasn’t that big. Oikawa was clearly avoiding Iwaizumi’s gaze and Iwaizumi didn’t like it. “I had a thought, Iwa-chan. You know, everyone always tells me how pretty I am. My family, the girls that like me… But you see it, don’t you? You saw it today and it scared you. You see my ugliness.”

“What…”

“Iwa-chan thinks I’m an ugly person,” Oikawa said his voice slightly far away. “And Iwa-chan may just be right.”

He never asked Oikawa what he’d meant that night. It didn’t ruin their friendship, they continued as they were. And Oikawa got better.

“You made me realize just how invincible we are,” he said one day. “I owe you everything, Iwa-chan.”

It didn’t feel like a compliment.

He tried asking him about their conversation from that night, and about those words that sat uneasy on Hajime’s soul. But each time Oikawa managed to avoid the subject, so eventually, Iwaizumi dropped it altogether.

After they started high school, things changed. If Oikawa was popular before, now he became a star.

It didn’t bother him and it certainly didn’t bother Oikawa. But sometimes he looked more tired then usual. More pensive. Maybe because it was their last chance to beat Shiratorizawa, and the third-years could hear the clock ticking.

In lots of ways, Oikawa got better. He was still over-working himself but he actually cared about his health, or so Hajime thought. He made sure to take Mondays off along with the rest of the team, and soon Hajime learnt not to bother him whenever Monday came along.

“I need to get my beauty sleep,” Oikawa would say. “Naps are important, Iwa-chan. Maybe they’d take your grumpiness away." 

That one earned him a solid smack in the head.

It was Oikawa’s nephew, Takeru who told him about Oikawa coaching kids at Lil Tykes Volleyball Classroom. And Iwaizumi couldn’t be more confused.

“For how long have you been doing it?" 

“Ah, not too long,” Oikawa shrugged, tying his shoelaces. “Since we started high school, I think? I didn’t want to but my sister asked me in front of my parents, put me on the spot.”

“That’s a long time, dumbass.” Iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows.

“Is it?”

“You never told me.”

It sounded like an accusation, he realized. But it was too late. Oikawa blinked and stood up, cocking his head.

“Is Iwa-chan mad at me?” 

“As if I have nothing better to do, idiot.” He hesitated for second. “Look… I’m not mad. It just doesn’t seem like something you’d do, that’s all.”

“Hmm, I guess you’re right.”

When Oikawa got injured, Iwaizumi wasn’t there to see it. Tooru had insisted he had to practice some more, and for the first time Iwaizumi let him.

“Just be careful, Shittykawa. And text me when you get home.”

“Iwa-chan is such a good mom.”

“Keep this up and I’ll be the one practicing serves. With your _head_.” 

“Ooh, scary, Iwa-chan.”

Oikawa didn’t text him that night and Iwaizumi didn’t bother. It wasn’t like he’d expected him to do it anyway. But the next day Oikawa didn’t come to school. He tried calling him, but there was no answer. Iwaizumi came home, deciding to skip practice, and he was just about to call Oikawa again, when his dad emerged from the kitchen, looking worried. 

“Tooru’s mom called,” he said. “Something happened.”

The only reason why Oikawa didn’t get punched to death is that his parents were there in the room with him.

“I told you to be careful!”

“It’s nothing serious, Iwa-chan, gee.” He shot an angry glare at his mother. “You shouldn’t have called him, mom." 

“Tooru, I just wanted…”

Oikawa’s father put his hand on his wife’s shoulder.

“Let’s give them some space, okay?”

The first thing Iwaizumi did when Oikawa’s parents were out the door, was whack him over the head.

“Ow, Iwa-chan, I’m in pain!”

“You just said it’s nothing serious, idiot!”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not hurt, you brute!”

Iwaizumi blamed himself, of course. He was convinced Tooru got better, and hated himself for not paying close attention. And Oikawa knew it. 

“Look, it’s not your fault, Iwa-chan,” he began, his tone serious. It wasn’t often he got to hear an actual concern in Tooru’s voice. “It’s just a sprain, okay? It could have happened the next day during practice. There was no helping it, it was just meant to happen. Hell, I’m surprised it never happened before!”

“But I left you…”

“You didn’t leave me alone. Matsukawa and Hanamaki were still there. They saw me fall and called for help. Or maybe does Iwa-chan think I wouldn’t fall if Iwa-chan were there? Never knew Iwa-chan was such a romantic.”

That earned him another punch. 

After they lost to Karasuno in their very last game, Oikawa was surprisingly calm. It was Iwaizumi who needed his help this time, and so he spent the following weekend on Tooru’s couch, as they marathoned some American show Oikawa was into at the time. Neither of them spoke a word and Hajime was grateful. Oikawa didn’t just understand players, Iwaizumi realized. He understood people and he knew exactly what they needed to hear. And being his friend for so long, Oikawa knew that Iwaizumi didn’t want to hear anything at all.

“Are you going to be okay?” He asked just before their very last meeting, in which third-years officially got to say goodbye to their teammates.

“I’m fine,” Oikawa smiled sadly. “I’ll probably burst into tears when we enter that room, though.”

“Oi, is that the memory you want to leave them with? You’re the ugliest crier I know.”

“Iwa-chan, don’t be rude, I’m very fragile today!”

“You just said you were _fine_.”

“Read between the lines!”

He knew Oikawa had prepared a speech. And it was a good one too. Oikawa didn’t cry after all and was probably the only one not to." 

“Whatever guilt,” Oikawa said, his eyes meeting Iwaizumi’s. “Disappointment or sadness you might be feeling now… Leave it behind. It won’t matter to us now. We leave that in the hands of those who stay here and those who will join. It’s a huge burden but it’s been like this forever. Playing sports is a never-ending relay race and what we pass on are our dreams, hopes and frustrations. But we use it to get stronger. It’s what makes us invincible.”

“They say I’m the star of Aobajousai’s team,” Oikawa continued ignoring Iwaizumi’s ‘Literally nobody says that, dumbass.’ The first-years chuckled.

“But in a stellar system multiple stars are bound by gravity. They orbit each other. Those individual beautiful lights that we see are not in fact separate. Only together they form a galaxy.”

Oikawa smiled that strange smile of his and Iwaizumi thought it’d been the first time he showed his real smile to the rest of the team.

He bowed.

“Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your galaxy.”

 

* * *

 

Life in college was far less dramatic than any of them had expected it to be.

They ended up in different universities, but he made sure to visit Oikawa at least once a month and talked to him online everyday. He was glad Oikawa was pursuing his dream and he didn’t blame him for being far away. Soon, missing his best friend became just a part of the routine.

Neither of them started smoking. Neither of them quit playing volleyball. Neither of them started partying more than usual. Troubles would come and troubles would go, but in the end, everything worked out. To Hajime adulthood was disappointingly normal.

A year has passed. Then another. Time was flying by quickly, quicker than it had been in high school, as if life suddenly got very impatient. Before he knew it, he had to start considering getting a real job. He didn’t mind hard work, though. He had been working part-time this whole time in college and liked it enough.

One time, Oikawa called him in the middle of the night to discuss their future plans. 

“Iwa-chan should move in with me here!”

“Like I want to put up with your messiness and your X-files marathons.” 

“Iwa-chan loves _The X-Files_ just as much as I do!”

After that, Tooru would torment him with calls at least once a day. _Did you think this through, Iwa-chan? It would be better for Iwa-chan’s career to move to a bigger city!_

And then that one time, it wasn’t Tooru who called him in the middle of the night.

“Something happened.”

 

* * *

 

“Iwa-chan!”

His voice was cheerful, melodic. The smile actually reached his eyes and Iwaizumi allowed himself to breathe.

“How are you?” He asked, sitting on the chair near Tooru’s bed.

“Annoyed,” Oikawa complained with a pout. “I’m an adult but no one wants to talk to me! I bet it’s my mom’s doing. She used her lawyer magic to blackmail those people.”

“I’m pretty sure they don’t know just yet,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. “Not everything’s a conspiracy. I bet they told you something.”

“They said they have an idea but they want their top orthopedist to take a look at my x-rays first, and he just started his shift a little while ago,” Oikawa mumbled, avoiding Iwaizumi’s gaze.

“See?”

“But they won’t tell me _anything_! What kind of idea do they have? What’s wrong? How long till they let me out?”

“Calm down, idiot. You’re rambling.”

“Would you talk to my parents, Iwa-chan? I just want to know and get out of here.” 

There was no point in trying to reason with him, so Iwaizumi sighed and nodded. 

“Hang on.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Oikawa scoffed.

When he left the room, Oikawa’s parents had just finished talking to some tall man that had to be Oikawa’s doctor.

“No, that’s okay,” he heard. “We’ll tell him.”

They spotted Iwaizumi and approached him slowly, and Iwaizumi couldn’t shake the feeling that they would rather not have this conversation.

“Tooru’s freaking out,” he said. “So… How long till they let him out?”

Oikawa’s parents exchanged glances, and Iwaizumi felt something heavy drop in his stomach. Oikawa’s dad cleared his throat.

“It may… Not be that simple. I’m afraid, uh… Tooru’s really overworked himself this time.”

“Is it…?”

“They say it’s most likely permanent... I… They haven’t told him yet.”

“Oh.”

It was permanent. Unfixable. He could hear Oikawa’s mother saying something about his condition but he didn’t exactly understand her. None of what she said made sense. Hajime didn’t want it to make sense. He felt calm. Why were they so nervous? Why did they look sad? Why were they scared? Everything… 

“Do you want me to tell him?” He heard himself say in a voice that could belong to somebody else.

“No, Hajime…” Oikawa’s father put a hand on his shoulder. “We could never ask that of you. Of course, if you want to be here when we tell him…”

“I need to go.”

The last part left his mouth involuntarily. He could Oikawa’s parents calling him somewhere far behind him. Only then he realized he was running. He bumped into people as they passed him, but he couldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. He was breathing hard, his heart racing and entire chest burning.

He was outside, he realized suddenly. He kept running until he felt grass beneath his feet and only then stopped. He knelt down trying to catch his breath, but it proved impossible. 

“Are you okay?” The voice seemed far away but he could feel a presence. Someone was kneeling right next to him.

“I’m…”

“Can you tell me what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“What… I don’t understand… I never…”

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t get his heart to stop racing.

He felt someone touching his back.

“Sir, you’re experiencing a panic attack,” the same voice said. “And I’m going to get you through it. I need you to focus on my voice and try counting with me. We’re going to breathe together, okay?”

He wanted to nod but he wasn’t sure how to do it. Where was his body? It hurt so it was definitely there, but he wasn’t in control anymore. What was happening?

He could feel the same person take his hands into theirs, while stroking his wrists reassuringly.

“Everything’s okay. Your heart is still beating. You’re not in any danger. You’re here with me and we’re alive. Now let’s try breathing, okay? In through the nose… out through the mouth… That’s it… Count with me…” 

When did breathing stop being effortless?

The person, a woman as Hajime was later able to determine, took him to the ER where a doctor gave him some medication to help him calm down. The woman was there at his side the entire time. When Hajime came around, he thanked her and explained that there was someone waiting for him upstairs. She squeezed his hand and smiled. She was beautiful, Hajime noticed.

“My husband is a doctor here,” she said. “A psychiatrist. I’ll leave you his number in case this happens again. Don’t ignore it. Young men like you tend to ignore stuff until it’s too late. Be brave.”

Oikawa’s parents were waiting right there where he’d left them. He didn’t need to ask. He could feel it.

“He wanted to be alone,” Oikawa’s father explained. Hajime nodded. He took one more look at them and gave them a reassuring smile. And then he entered the room.

Tooru looked so small.

Not many people knew it, but Oikawa tripped a lot. Which was pretty funny, considering that his movements were quite graceful. He was a good dancer, too. But he tripped a lot. It was as if someone creating Oikawa Tooru didn’t want to overdo, and added this one flaw to complete the picture. He couldn’t be too perfect, after all. But Oikawa never tripped when on court. That’s why not many people knew the truth. During a game, Oikawa was swift and focused. To Hajime he’s always seemed completely out of this world.

Oikawa Tooru belonged on the court. He didn’t belong here.

Hajime felt something warm and wet roll off his cheeks. Oikawa said something. His name, Hajime thought.

He held Tooru in his arms as they cried together for what it seemed like forever, until a nurse finally came in and told him it was time to go.

 

* * *

 

Kageyama visited and Hajime was pleased when Tooru let him in. He could see just how strained Oikawa’s smile was, but he remained polite. He answered Kageyama’s questions calmly and even congratulated him on his flourishing career.

“I always knew how talented you are, Tobio-chan,” Oikawa muttered. “That’s why I was so mean to you. Not just because you were a brat.”

“Oi, Oikawa. Be nicer, will you?” Iwaizumi warned him and looked over to Kageyama. “I’ll be outside.”

 _I’ll be outside in case he tries to murder you._  

He left the room and saw Kageyama’s short friend waiting there for him. He was looking around, his eyes big and curious as if witnessing something absolutely out of this world. He was practically bouncing and Iwaizumi almost smiled.

“Hinata, was it?”

“You’re the Grand King’s knight!”

“The Grand King’s…” Iwaizumi couldn’t find enough strength to process it. “Uh, so that your first time in a hospital?”

“Ah, no!” Hinata exclaimed way too loudly and Iwaizumi threw an apologetic glance to a passing nurse. “I’ve broken more bones than I can count! My parents barely left hospital when I was a kid!” 

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

Iwaizumi let his back hit the wall and closed his eyes for a second. He hadn’t slept in days and it was starting to affect him.

“The Grand King,” Hinata said suddenly, his voice much quieter. “Is he going to be okay?”

 _I don’t know_ , Iwaizumi wanted to say but it wasn’t like the kid expected that kind of answer.

“He’s tough,” he responded after a moment of silence. “Much tougher than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s a fighter, you see and he doesn’t have patience for weakness. And it’s because he expects so much from himself, he expected a lot from your friend there. You should probably tell him that.”

Hinata cocked his head.

“But he already knows that.” He bit his lip. “I don’t think I really understand what that means, but Sugawara-san once said that he doesn’t think these two really hate each other. What they hate is their own inadequacy that becomes very visible when the other is around.”

Iwaizumi nodded.

“Wise words.”

“I just don’t get it,” Hinata admitted. “If somebody’s better than you, shouldn’t you want to learn from them? How do you know if they’re still gonna be better than you, I don’t know, two years from now? They may be better than you today, tomorrow, a month from now. But eventually, you may surpass them. You just don’t give up and hope for the best.” 

“Is this what you believe?”

Hinata’s smile could probably light up the entire globe.

“It’s what I know.”

Iwaizumi smiled back reluctantly.

“You’re all right, shrimpie. And it was nice talking to you. I… I should probably get back, though. Check if these two haven’t killed each other yet.”

He found Tooru chatting with Kageyama almost amicably. If he didn’t know him any better, he’d say he even seemed genuine.

But he did know him well, so he wasn’t surprised when Oikawa asked Kageyama to leave because he felt sleepy. No insults were attached and he even gave him an apologetic smile. It was the lack of usual mean comments that scared Hajime, and he thought that Kageyama must have felt the same way, because while leaving he awkwardly patted Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

“Iwaizumi-san,” he said quietly. “I hope Oikawa-san gets better.”

He went outside with Hinata and Kageyama, and said his goodbyes. As soon as they left, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes he’d bought earlier that day for some reason and stared at it for a second. So many people tried to smoke their worries away, like it could change anything. He took one cigarette and rolled it between his fingers.

He lit it, the taste bitter and unfamiliar against his lips. He hadn’t realized before, but he didn’t even know how to smoke. It seemed easy when everyone else did it, but in the end, he just felt awkward. It didn’t solve anything but at least he was able to collect his thoughts. Maybe that’s why people smoked in the first place.

Like many things in his life, it was okay, Iwaizumi decided, but he didn’t see himself doing it in a long run. 

When he came back, Tooru was facing away from the door. If it wasn’t for his leg, he’d probably curl into a little ball, the way he’d always do. 

“Go away, Iwa-chan,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.

Iwaizumi froze. He opened his mouth to say something but the words he desperately wanted to say never came.

“I’ll be outside if you need me,” he mumbled.

He honestly hoped Oikawa was crying. He hadn’t since that night when Hajime held him. He wanted him to cry because tears were healthy. They were expected.

But they never came.

 

* * *

Ushiwaka didn’t have as much luck as Tobio. When he showed up in the hospital, Oikawa screeched and threw a vase in his direction, only missing by an inch. All that noise alerted the nurse, who then wanted to throw them both out of Oikawa’s room. Only that helped Tooru come to his senses. 

“I’m sorry, I’m all calm now!” He gave her the most beautiful and the most fake of his smiles, effectively making her blush. “I didn’t recognize Ushi-chan, I must have mistaken him for somebody else! Please let them stay!”

The nurse eyed them carefully but eventually left. Oikawa watched her go and his smile vanished as soon as she was out the door.

“Thank you for visiting me.” His cold eyes turned to Ushiwaka. “I’m sorry for getting so angry.” 

Ushijima didn’t say anything. Hajime thought that Oikawa wasn’t sorry at all, and Ushiwaka must have thought the same thing.

“No? Not gonna say anything? Do you…” 

“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi interrupted him. The name sounded like a warning. Oikawa clearly chose to ignore it.

“Are you happy to see me like this?” He said pointing to his leg, his voice slick with venom. “Did you come here to bask in glory?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.  “Not everyone’s as mean-spirited as you are.”

Oikawa scoffed but didn’t say anything. Ushijima looked uncomfortable and threw Iwaizumi a hesitant glance. Hajime nodded and only then had he come closer.

“I came here to see how you’re doing,” Ushiwaka said awkwardly. “I know that you’re not doing well… I can’t even… I can’t imagine my life without volleyball, I’d surely…”

Whatever it was he’d wanted to say, Iwaizumi’s glance effectively stopped him from saying it.

“Don’t give up,” he said instead, after a moment. “I kept saying you’re an amazing player and you know much I admire your skills. But your strength, your intelligence, your focus… There’s much more to you than volleyball. I hope you know that.” 

Hajime thought that something changed in Oikawa’s eyes, but it didn’t last long enough for him to be sure. 

“Easy for you to say,” Oikawa murmured.

“That much is true.” 

Ushijima was closer now and he extended his hand to Oikawa, who eyed it carefully looking like he was considering biting it off.

“Get better,” Ushiwaka said. “And don’t lose hope, miracles are known to happen.”

Oikawa looked over to Hajime as if asking for help. Iwaizumi shrugged. Seeing he didn’t have any other choice, he shook Ushijima’s hand and looked him in the eyes.

“I don’t believe in miracles,” he stated. “But I believe in me. My pride got me into this. And my pride will get me out of it. So watch your back.”

Hajime cleared his throat. 

“I don’t want to interrupt,” he lied. “But I think Oikawa should get some rest. It was nice to see you, Ushijima.”

Ushiwaka nodded and he shook Iwaizumi’s hand as well. 

“Make sure to visit me more often!” Oikawa exclaimed, as Ushijima was about to leave. “My aim will surely get better once I’m off the meds!”

“Oikawa!”

 

“ _I can’t imagine my life without volleyball_ ,” he repeated in a disgustingly sweet voice once Ushijima was gone. “Did you hear that?”

“He didn’t mean to upset you,” Iwaizumi said, closing the door. He sat on Tooru’s bed, squeezing his hand comfortingly. “He’s awkward and not as eloquent as you are, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. And he was genuinely worried about you.”

“Not as eloquent as me?” Oikawa murmured. “He makes Tobio-chan look like a professional orator.”

“Can you stop with the insults?”

“No, it makes me feel better.”

Iwaizumi sighed. Oikawa bit his lip and crossed his arms over his chest defensively.

“I guess I’ll stop if it bothers you.”

“Thank you.” 

What Iwaizumi didn’t know was how badly in that moment Tooru had wanted to say something else.

 

_I’ll try to be kind for your sake, Iwa-chan._

 

* * *

  
Oikawa’s recovery was slow and painful.

His parents wanted him to move back in with them, but Oikawa refused. He didn’t want to live with Iwaizumi either.

“I don’t want to leave Tokyo. And Iwa-chan should worry about getting a job. I can take care of myself.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.

“What if I want to move to Tokyo, dumbass? And weren’t you the one who suggested it in the first place?”

 _Before it happened_.

 “I don’t want you to…”

“Who cares about what you want?” Iwaizumi barked. “I’m graduating next month. Maybe I feel like moving?”

He didn’t. Tokyo was just as good as any other place, though. And Oikawa’s parents had given him an ultimatum – he was to stay either with them or with Iwaizumi. And Oikawa’s pride could only endure so much.

Iwaizumi would take him to the hospital for his regular checkups. The doctor said it would take awhile before Oikawa could even walk, but Oikawa was stubborn. Improvement came sooner than expected, and Iwaizumi let himself hope.

But a miracle never came.

He knew Oikawa had given up when he told him he was thinking about finishing college and getting a ‘real’ job.

“As soon as I get better, Iwa-chan.”

Living with Oikawa could be a pain in the ass but surprisingly, suited Iwaizumi just fine. He yelled at him a lot for being messy. He had to put up with Oikawa’s silly shows and his bad taste in music. He was a better cook than Hajime, though. He never told him, but he felt like Oikawa knew anyway. 

What he couldn’t stand was Oikawa sadness.

It wasn’t obvious and he did a great job hiding it. And Iwaizumi believed it because he wanted to. It was okay to be sad, he figured. In a way, it was only natural after everything that happened. But Oikawa’s sadness was unlike anything he’d ever seen and soon became too hard to ignore. He couldn’t name it at first, but something about his best friend seemed… off.

Oikawa would forget stuff or at least it seemed like he was losing his focus. He’d space out a lot, and that reminded Iwaizumi of how he’d sat alone during time-outs, completely unaware of his surroundings. But it was different. Back then, he’d been thinking about the game. And now, Oikawa didn’t seem to be thinking about anything in particular. He avoided meals. Each time Oikawa cooked he acted like a magician trying to distract his clueless audience from the real trick. It didn’t happen often but Iwaizumi felt like whenever they were having dinner, Oikawa was trying to talk his way through it.

“Dumbass, don’t tell me you want to start dieting,” he said at some point, looking at Oikawa’s plate. The food wasn’t untouched, but he was pretty sure none of it actually ever found its way into his mouth. 

Oikawa blinked as if trying to process what he’d just heard. Iwaizumi resisted an urge to snap his fingers at him. 

“No, no, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa exclaimed with a smile that had taken way too long to show. “I’m just not really hungry lately. You don’t have to worry!”

That was exactly the kind of answer Iwaizumi was afraid of.

He called Oikawa’s mother at some point, but she wasn’t particularly helpful. 

“Well, the doctor did say he might get depressed,” she said. “But he’s tough, you know him. Just be patient and I’m sure he’ll come around.”

She cared about Oikawa a lot, Hajime knew that. And obviously she couldn’t see what he was seeing. But somehow he was hoping to get an answer. She was an adult and he still didn’t feel like one. And she was Oikawa’s mother. He felt like she should know more.

 

_Would my mother know?_

 

The sadness he felt in Oikawa was too close to emptiness. It wasn’t despair. It was something cold and indifferent that Iwaizumi didn’t quite understand.

Oikawa didn’t have to tell him about his insomnia.

The floor in their apartment was slightly squeaky, and Hajime heard Tooru pacing around his room almost every night.

“I’m trying to get this useless thing to work again,” he told Hajime when he’d confronted him about it. “The doctor said it’s gonna take a while before…”

“He also said you shouldn’t force it,” Iwaizumi interrupted. “Be patient or else you’ll end up overdoing it again. You can’t get better if you don’t sleep.”

It wasn’t Oikawa’s knee that kept him awake at night, but Hajime couldn’t know that, even though all the pieces were there.

There seemed to be a lot of things Iwaizumi wasn’t able notice.

And one day, Oikawa simply said it.

“I think… I think I might be depressed.”

“Okay.”

None of them elaborated. It felt like Oikawa expected some other reaction out of him, but Hajime didn’t know what to think.

He was never strong enough to get through life trusting his own instincts. He had others tell him what to do and his parents’ words to guide him. Even then, he could hear his father’s words inside his head.

 

_There’s no such thing as mental illness. There are only those of weak spirit who like making up excuses when the truth is, they’re just lazy. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, Hajime, don’t forget that._

But Oikawa had been the most hardworking person he knew. There were so many things he couldn’t even begin to grasp, and no one had prepared him to understand them.

 

_You’re experiencing a panic attack._

 

He felt like asking someone but there wasn’t anyone he could think of. He’d stay up all night to read different websites, but if anything, they made him feel even more confused.

He wanted to ask Oikawa about it, but for some reason he felt awkward about the idea. Would he understand that Hajime was just trying to learn? After all, how could he look after somebody if he didn’t even know where to start? 

His father wasn’t a bad man, Hajime knew that. Maybe he was too stubborn to educate himself. Maybe he was too narrow-minded. Maybe it was something he’d heard from his own parents. 

But Oikawa was Iwaizumi’s best friend. And he had to understand him. 

It turned out there were a lot of things Oikawa hadn’t told him.

“You never wondered?” Oikawa laughed bitterly. “Why they kept me in the hospital for a week if it was just a stupid sprain? Why I couldn’t meet you so many times back when we were in college?” 

Iwaizumi didn’t answer. He didn’t.

“Back in the hospital,” Oikawa begun. “It felt like there was still hope. And I held on to that. I wanted to get better, Hajime, believe me… But then one doctor’s appointment after another… When it became clear…”

He didn’t finish.

“You should know…” 

“That there’s more to life than volleyball?” Oikawa scoffed. “I know that. Or I think I know that. But I still feel sad. I still feel useless.”

Hajime didn’t know what to say to that.

“It’s not even about volleyball, you know? I know I’m not some sort of prodigy like Tobio-chan. And I wanted to prove that hard work… But then, the hard work turned out to be just as useless as my stupid pride. In the end, even my own body became useless. But you know… Even if I never made it… It would still be better than this.” 

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

“What did you want me to say?” Oikawa asked, his voice breaking dangerously at the last syllable. “That I knew I was going to get like this, so leave before it’s too late? Leave or I’ll destroy you? You know that. I know that. But you’re still here, both because you don’t want to go anywhere, and because I’m not willing to let you go.”

He closed his eyes for a second.

“Sometimes I feel like we’re trapped. Every day feels the same and I can’t tell whether something happened yesterday or a month ago, or even a different life. And you’re trapped too, Hajime. You keep quoting your mother, even though she’s…” 

Iwaizumi swallowed. 

“Don’t.” 

He never mentioned it. Not even his most private thoughts. And he didn’t need Oikawa bringing it up now.

“I just don’t want you to be stuck here with me.” Oikawa’s voice was gentler this time. “I don’t want us to fall into another horrible routine. You thinking I already got over it and then getting disappointed when it all goes to shit again.”

“Then you tell me, Oikawa. You tell me because you know I’m not…”

“And you shouldn’t be. No one should be, Iwa-chan…” 

Oikawa didn’t look sad when he said it. He just looked very tired.

“I’m tired of it. Okay? How can I explain something even I don’t understand? It’s just… I’m not a bird who’s locked inside his cage and desperately wants to get out. I’m fine like this, Iwa-chan. Don’t you get it? That’s the horrible part. I’m comfortable and glad to have your attention. Would you…”

He stopped.

“Would I what?”

“Would you even look at me if it wasn’t out of pity?”

“Don’t you _know_?”

“I don’t, that’s the thing.”

When it wasn’t about volleyball, Tooru’s anger was usually quiet, and that made it more terrifying. He didn’t slam his hand on the table. He didn’t grab Iwaizumi by the collar and he didn’t yell. It was his eyes that changed, glistering dangerously like in the old days.

Anger made him seem more alive. 

“I don’t understand myself,” he continued. “I have my pride and you know how much I hate pity. But I need your attention. And it’s confusing, you know? I don’t want to be that person that needs others to get up in the morning. I want a reason to live that comes from _me_. And I’m not as dumb as to think that other people will cure me with power of their love. But there’s a part of me missing. And it’d be so easy to let you fill the void but we both know it doesn’t work like that.” 

Oikawa took a step closer.

“If I told you to have sex with me right now, you wouldn’t, right?”

Iwaizumi almost laughed. 

“Oi, is that supposed to be a foreplay?”

“Iwa-chan…”

“No,” Iwaizumi said seriously this time. “I wouldn’t. You’re upset and I can’t tell what you’re thinking.”

He was lying. He could see Oikawa’s eyes and he knew exactly what Oikawa was thinking. He wasn’t just being tested. He could feel the silent question echoing from the past and he still didn’t know how to answer it.

 

_Am I ugly, Iwa-chan?_

 

“If we’re going to do this, I want you to treat me seriously. I know you don’t know how to deal with me, but I know what I’m doing. ”

“I know, I know.”

His arms found their destination around Oikawa’s body. He could feel Tooru’s tears hot and wet against his neck and he was selfishly glad he couldn’t see them.

“You used to say that I’m egocentric, Iwa-chan. Why can’t I be egocentric when it counts?”

I’ve never thought you were egocentric, not really, Iwaizumi thought but no matter how hard he tried, the words were stuck in his dried up throat.

 

_You weren’t egocentric. You weren’t selfish. You just wanted to win more than any of us. And you wanted to play volleyball for much longer than you were allowed._

 

After that conversation, things changed.

Iwaizumi had never thought about having sex with Tooru before he brought it up. He was attracted to him, of course. It would be hard not to be attracted to a person like Oikawa. But then he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Was it something that Oikawa wanted? Was it something that _he_ wanted?

They weren’t in love. There was intimacy between them that none of them understood, but it had been a part of their lives so long, that they were taking it for granted. But with each passing day, he began noticing that the air between them had changed.

And so, at some point they started kissing each other. 

It was natural and only fair, and neither of them ever questioned it. He could vaguely recall the first time it happened, but he couldn’t tell who kissed who, or even why. They needed it or maybe were just curious. It just seemed like breathing the same air with Tooru so close to him was the only way for both of them to finally breathe. And so, Hajime kissed him before leaving for work. Oikawa would kiss him to say ‘Welcome back’. Some kisses were open-mouthed and hot, and had Iwaizumi steadying Oikawa by putting his hands on his hips. Some were just pecks, saying nothing more than “Hey, I’m here. I was here yesterday. And I’ll be here tomorrow.”

Each night, Oikawa went to his own bedroom but always ended up climbing into Hajime’s bed. He’d press his face against Iwaizumi’s chest, so that he wouldn’t look into his eyes.

“I can’t sleep,” he said once. It was the first time he admitted it out loud. “Iwa-chan, I don’t think I slept once since we graduated. I’m just laying there with my eyes closed but I can’t even breathe.”

 _Idiot, since when you actually slept in high school?_ Iwaizumi wanted to say, but he nodded and started rubbing Oikawa’s back comfortingly.

“You and that loud mind of yours,” he whispered into his hair and Oikawa laughed humorlessly.

“I just never know when to shut up. Iwa-chan was right as always.”

 

_I don’t want you to shut up, idiot. I just want you to fall asleep for once._

 

One night he had an idea. It was too late to do anything about it, but the next day, he borrowed a friend’s car and when Oikawa woke up him up the following night, he shook his head and smiled.

“Not this time. Get the hell out of my bed and go get dressed.”

“Iwa-chan…?”

“We’re going for an adventure.”

They were both silent in the car, and only the radio broke the silence once Iwaizumi started the engine. It was some American band Hajime knew nothing about, and none of them really understood the words.

“Do you want me to turn it off?” He asked eventually, but Tooru shook his head.

For the first time the silence made Iwaizumi feel uncomfortable.

“Uh, so any idea where I’m taking you?” He tried again and Oikawa sighed quietly.

“I can imagine Iwa-chan wants to take me star-gazing,” he replied, his voice drained of emotion. 

Hajime’s hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter.

“Is that bad?” He asked slowly.

He could feel Oikawa staring at him, and suddenly he felt a hand squeezing his thigh.

“No,” Tooru whispered so quietly that Hajime barely heard him. “But I’d rather Iwa-chan didn’t loose sleep because of me.”

Iwaizumi scoffed at that, nearly rolling his eyes. 

“Idiot.” 

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t get to choose if someone worries about your or not,” Iwaizumi explained. “By choosing to live in this world, you choose to affect people’s lives. It’s what my mom used to tell me.”

He couldn’t see Oikawa’s face but he knew he was smiling.

“Iwa-chan always quotes his mom.” 

“Well, she’s a smart woman. Smarter than both of us.” 

“I can’t argue with that,” he murmured. “It surprises me how on Earth she gave a birth to such a clueless son.”

“If you don’t think I’ll stop the car just to hit you, then you’re wrong.”

“Iwa-chan’s angry with me, that’s no good.”

Iwaizumi didn’t feel angry at all, but he couldn’t say that.

They left the city behind and drove in silence for what it seemed like a very long time, until Iwaizumi stopped the car near a forest.

“Get out,” he said to Oikawa and turned off the engine. “There’s a small clearing, quite near. It shouldn’t be more than a ten-minute walk.”

Oikawa nodded and they both got out of the car in silence. The forest made him feel uneasy but he didn’t say anything since Iwaizumi seemed very preoccupied with something. He opened the trunk to retrieve a small backpack. 

“This way.”

Oikawa walked very close to him, occasionally bumping his arm against Hajime’s. He never told him, but Iwaizumi knew. Oikawa was scared of the dark. Always had been. One time during a sleepover, when they were still little, Hajime woke up in the dead of night to see Oikawa coming back from the bathroom and running towards the light switch in the corridor, as if something was chasing him. Hajime pretended to be asleep then and never told anyone. So now, he took Oikawa’s hand in his wordlessly and squeezed it reassuringly. Oikawa squeezed back. It was like a silent conversation between their fingertips.

 

_“Did you know, Iwa-chan?”_

_“Yes, I knew. I knew all this time.”_

 

The clearing was much brighter and Iwaizumi felt Oikawa’s hand relax in his grip.

“How do you know this place?”

“We used to come here with my friends back in college. I’ve made some great memories here.”

“Did Iwa-chan use to bring his dates here?”

“Hmm.”

Iwaizumi put the backpack on the ground and retrieved a small blanket from it. He knew exactly what Oikawa had meant, and he needed time to gather his thoughts. He gestured for Oikawa to help him and carefully, they placed the blanket on the grass. Iwaizumi lay down and Oikawa joined him, putting his head on Hajime’s stomach.

“I’ve dated people,” he admitted eventually. “I’ve never told you because it wasn’t really a big deal. Or maybe… There was a girl. We dated for a couple of months. It was pretty serious but she dumped me for somebody else. I really liked her, though.” 

He could feel Oikawa’s eyes on him, but Oikawa never said a thing.

“Uh, you?” Iwaizumi asked to break the silence.

“Hmm, nothing serious,” Oikawa shifted, hiding his face away from Iwaizumi. “Since high school, that is. I tried dating people but I wanted to focus on volleyball, I guess.”

 

_And look where it got me._

 

The sentence, although left unspoken, hanged between them like a grim reminder of the reality they had left behind.

“Is this the part where Iwa-chan starts showing me constellations, and I open my mouth in bewilderment?” Oikawa suggested.

“Well, I know nothing about the stars.”

“That’s not good. Iwa-chan, don’t you know? You need to put time and effort to make a date successful." 

He didn’t get to answer that, because Oikawa took his hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

“There,” he pointed to a star and drew a shape with their joined hands. “There’s the Big Dipper. Even someone as thickheaded as Iwa-chan should be able to see this one.”

“I’m going to punch you in the face.”

“You don’t punch your date,” Oikawa instructed. “You give them flowers. Even a child would tell you that! No wonder Iwa-chan’s girlfriend dumped him!”

Iwaizumi smacked his head and Oikawa laughed. It felt like the old times and that was everything Iwaizumi wanted from this moment. Oikawa rolled off him and lay on his back, as he continued to show Iwaizumi different constellations. Iwaizumi was barely listening, too busy observing Oikawa’s profile. He rarely let himself look at his best friend for too long. He didn’t want to risk Oikawa teasing him about it. But Oikawa really was beautiful. The curve of his nose, his long eyelashes, his…

_I could kiss him. I could kiss him right now and make it mean something._

 

“Close your eyes,” he said instead to distract both of them.

“Mm, Iwa-chan’s certainly moving quick. Is Iwa-chan going to kiss me? For real this time?”

Iwaizumi sighed. So Oikawa felt it too. There was no point in denying it.

“I want to,” he admitted. “But no, not this time.”

“Hmm, okay then.”

“Just close your eyes already, dumbass."

Oikawa obliged but he made sure to let out an exasperated sigh to show Iwaizumi how pointless it all was.

“Are your eyes closed?” Hajime asked to make sure.

“Yup.”

“So you can’t see anything?”

“Why yes, Iwa-chan, it’s what usually happens when you close your eyes.”

“Don’t be a brat.”

Tenderness was never easy to Hajime.

He wasn’t good with words and each time he’d try to say something, he could never bring himself to open his mouth. He was scared. He was scared that once he started talking, he wouldn’t be able to shut up. There were wounds inside of him that could still bleed. And there were a lot of things Hajime was too scared to admit and too scared to remember. He was walking through life with his eyes closed, and that suited him just fine for so long. 

But how could he possibly guide Oikawa if he refused to see?

He opened his backpack to retrieve an old book, its pages nearly yellow, and the fabric on the cover completely raggedy from all those times it was read.

“Remember when we were little and you told me about Pluto?” He asked Oikawa conversantly.

“I told you many things, Iwa-chan.” 

“Well, I remember that one in particular. You told me you wanted me to read for you on Pluto someday.”

“Hm, what a stupid thing to say. Is that what this adventure is all about? Taking me down the memory lane?”

“I…”

“It’s fine,” Oikawa said and moved his head to rest it on Iwaizumi’s chest. He sounded guilty and slightly tired, Iwaizumi thought. “I’d love to hear Iwa-chan read for me one more time. But can Iwa-chan stroke my hair like in good old days?” 

“I’ve never done that, Shittykawa.”

“Then now’s a great time to start.”

“Are your eyes really closed?” Iwaizumi sighed.

“Yes. So are we on Pluto?”

Hajime nodded. 

“It’s slightly dark but it’s not scary. Everything that could possibly scare you is far away. It’s silent. The universe is silent. It’s Earth that is loud but it’s on the other side of the solar system, completely meaningless and forgotten.”

“There’s no oxygen. And it’s cold. We’re very much dead, Iwa-chan.”

“You were the one who said it gets hard to breathe, right?”

Oikawa squeezed his arm.

“Just read, Hajime.”

“ _Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book_ ,” Iwaizumi began, unconsciously stroking Oikawa’s hair.

The little star traveller reached his first planet when Tooru finally fell asleep. Iwaizumi closed the book and put it into his backpack.

There were so many things he wanted to say that only came to his head when Tooru wasn’t around. But if he wanted it to work, he would have to try. He couldn’t count on somebody else’s guidance his entire life.

“I want to try,” Iwaizumi whispered into Oikawa’s hair. “Try to understand you, Tooru. Just… Let me reach you. I want to catch up to you more than anything else.”

He looked up at the brightening sky.

“Come back to me, Tooru.”

Once again he pressed his face against the top of Oikawa’s head and took a shuddering breath. The smell of him kept him grounded. 

When he carried him back to car, the sun was already rising. It wasn’t romantic, the way he had to stop every few steps to make sure not to drop Oikawa on the ground. But Tooru would never know that.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Indeed, Tooru didn’t know that.

He woke up around 2 pm the next day, confused and cold. The bed next to him was empty, but there noise coming from behind the closed door. He found Iwaizumi in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Smells good,” he whispered into his neck. 

“Dinner? Or…”

Oikawa smirked.

“Hmm, I guess you need to figure it out by yourself, Iwa-chan.”

They stayed like that for some time and Tooru nearly fell asleep right there again. He didn’t realize his eyes were closed until Iwaizumi shook him gently and then shooed him away, pointing towards the bedroom. His bedroom. Not Oikawa’s. That made him smile.

“Oi, Shittykawa, go to sleep if you’re tired,” Iwaizumi grumbled but he seemed happy, Oikawa thought.

“I’m not tired,” Oikawa replied which wasn’t exactly a lie. “I was just comfortable. And you shouldn’t have let me sleep for so long, by the way.”

“Why, you worried it might fuck up your sleep schedule?” Iwaizumi snorted. He paused for a second, stirring the soup he was preparing for dinner. “Look, you slept like the dead. Obviously your body needed it. You should listen to it, it’s clearly smarter than you.”

“Iwa-chan’s grumpy.”

“Iwa-chan’s _worried_.”

Oikawa didn’t know how to reply to that. He leaned against the wall, as he stared at the ground so he didn’t see Iwaizumi approaching him until he was very close.

“Look, I’m not complaining.” He felt Iwa-chan’s hand on his arm. “You just…”

They fell silent for a second.

“Remember when you asked me if there’s anything in this world I’m afraid of?” Iwaizumi said suddenly.

Oikawa nodded.

“You said there wasn’t,” he recalled. “And that if someone’s will is strong enough, there’s nothing in this world that can be too scary.”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi acknowledged. “Only a very dumb person can say that.”

“Iwa-chan…”

“I can’t tell you how scared I was that night. When I got the call. I thought that… And you… I was petrified.”

The silence that fell after that was so thick that it seemed as if all sound suddenly decided to disappear from the world. This is what space must be like, Oikawa thought suddenly. Quiet and scary. The universe was just another void.

“I…” Iwaizumi’s hands slid down his arms until they reached Oikawa’s wrists and stayed there. “Tooru, there’s so much light in you. And when you come to me every night and hide your face so I wouldn’t see, I know what you’re hiding. You don’t want me to know how dark your eyes have become.” 

“That’s…”

“I remembered,” Iwaizumi said. “I remembered what you’d told me about Pluto all those years ago. I remember thinking that Pluto was dark and cold, and it seemed like such a sad planet, I didn’t understand why you cared so much. But you said, that the light is there. It’s weak but it’s there. Even Pluto isn’t completely dark.”

“It’s just a dumb planet, Iwa-chan!” Iwaizumi looked at him, eyes wide and scared. He looked like a drowning man, and Oikawa closed his eyes to be able to breathe.

“Life is just life,” he continued, shaking his head. “When things suck, they suck for no reason. There’s no symbolism behind it, no meaning, no redemption. There’s nothing but a pure chaos and madness, Iwa-chan.” 

“Look at me.”

Oikawa opened his eyes reluctantly to meet Iwaizumi’s gaze. His throat was suddenly dry and there was only so much he could do to stop the tears. But then Iwaizumi took him in his arms and his body betrayed him, trembling against Iwaizumi’s chest.

“I don’t care,” he heard Iwaizumi whisper right into his ear. “I can handle madness. I can handle chaos. But I wasted too much time choking on words, leaving things unsaid. I spent to much time hiding behind anger, only to keep myself away from you. From what I felt. If there really is nothing in this world that’s symbolic or magical… Then this…”

Iwaizumi sounded like a lost boy, rambling and tripping over words and Oikawa couldn’t take it. 

“Iwa-chan… Iwa-chan’s so talkative today…”

How much time had he spent hoping for Iwa-chan to open-up?

 

 _Let me take your hand_. _Let me take your hand in mine so I could feel you relax your fingers, just like when we first met. Please get rid of that useless armor of yours and let me **see you**._

 

He remained silent and uselessly still. None of it felt right. 

“I’m not saying you need me to get out of this,” Iwaizumi continued slowly. “I’m not saying you’re not strong enough. But let me help. Please, Oikawa, I know you can do it, but just let _me_ help. Will you?”

He couldn’t think of an answer so he kissed him.

Iwaizumi melted into him, his shaking hands reaching Oikawa’s face. He rocked against him, heavy and trembling and when Oikawa reached inside his pants, he didn’t push him away. 

“Tooru…”

“Iwa-chan, yes, _yes_ …”

For some reason, it felt like the first kiss they had ever shared.

They didn’t go far that day. They took a shower after that, taking time to explore each other’s body, but there’s curiosity there rather than intimacy.

Iwaizumi bit at this jaw and Oikawa suppressed a moan.

“You should shave,” Iwa-chan muttered, leaving light kisses all over his neck. “I’ll do that for you if you let me.” 

Oikawa hummed in acknowledgment.

 

_I see you, Iwa-chan. I see you._

 

_And that scares me._

 

* * *

* * *

  
It was another lazy Sunday.

Oikawa was pressed against his chest, his eyes wide and awake, even though he hadn’t slept the entire night. They were both still dressed in their pajamas and Iwaizumi recalled Oikawa’s words from what it seemed like ages ago. _Iwa-chan, it’s good to be lazy sometimes. It’s like taking a break from living_. The pants hung low on Oikawa’s hips and his shirt rode up high enough for the skin to show. Iwaizumi began massaging his hipbones absent-mindedly and Tooru sighed softly. There was something on Iwaizumi’s mind, and he knew Oikawa could sense it from the way he was gripping his arm tightly, as if too keep him from whatever it was he wanted to say.

“It’s nice,” Iwaizumi said eventually. Tooru’s skin was bright and beautiful, and he wanted to kiss his neck but they haven’t kissed once since that evening. Not since it started to mean something. 

“It is,” Oikawa admitted with a sigh that sounded like a defeat, and he turned his head to meet Iwaizumi’s eyes. “Why do I feel like you’re about to ruin it?” 

“We need to talk.”

“Thought so.”

“I want you to ask me. We’re tiptoeing around this and I want you to _know_.”

Oikawa sneaked out of Iwaizumi’s arms and stood near the window to rest his hands on the windowsill, as if trying to find a support for his suddenly weak body.

“I don’t want to hear the answer anymore.”

“Oikawa…”

“I’m glad. I’m glad Iwa-chan’s not good with words. I’m glad Iwa-chan’s not treating me with kid’s gloves.”

“Are you?”

“But you should understand,” Oikawa continued, ignoring his question. “That I’m not always eloquent. I… I also forget how to form words, usually when it counts most. And I can tell. I can tell you’re not the same person I knew back in high school.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know I’m walking on thin ice here,” Oikawa said slowly. “But… Just how much did you change in college, Iwa-chan?”

“You know that…" 

“I know. I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up.” 

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you about it,” Iwaizumi stood up and Oikawa finally turned around, looking sadder than Hajime had ever remembered him being. “I just _can’t_ talk about it. If I learnt something from what happened… Is that I should talk more. And reach out to people. That’s why I want you to ask me. But I’m sorry, I just…”

He didn’t finish. He couldn’t. Oikawa nodded, taking a few careful steps towards him and Hajime saw something in his eyes that looked like a decision. He took one shuddering breath and then… 

“Am I ugly, Hajime?”

It was funny. It was funny how this one question had been haunting them for so long. It was funny how those few words never agreed with their semantics. There was always something else behind them that had taken Hajime way too long to understand. 

“No,” he whispered, his throat tight and his hands reaching for Oikawa who immediately took a step back. Iwaizumi lowered his hands pathetically.

“I’m sorry, Oikawa,“ he said, his voice barely audible. “You’re beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful. So beautiful I can’t handle it sometimes.”

It was as if someone finally turned on all the lights in Hajime’s brain. How stupid he was. How stupid to doubt Oikawa all these years.

His mother’s words had been his only law for so long. Be kind. Kindness is beautiful. And his mother wasn’t wrong; it was Hajime who’d misunderstood her. There are different types of kindness, Hajime realized suddenly, and the thought felt so obvious as if it was there all this time, but he chose to ignore it on purpose.

This whole time, Oikawa had been right. To Hajime, things were only black or white and whenever things felt gray, they had their shade carefully examined because they could only fit into one of the two categories. 

In this world, sadness spreads like a virus. And it’s sadness that makes people seem selfish and unkind. There are different fatal diseases that humanity has to face every single day. There are different tragedies we talk about over a dinner table. But sadness might be the worst of them all, because it’s everywhere and we choose to ignore it. It’s been with us for so long that we forgot to be afraid of it. So we belittle those who have little resistance against sadness and tell them to live on if they want to keep up.

It wasn’t malevolence that Oikawa was hiding under the cheerful mask all these years. There was a deep sadness inside Oikawa that he could not control. Maybe understanding people had been a curse after all. He saw more and felt more. It’s hard to stay pure when facing the entire ugliness of this world. And Oikawa wasn’t unkind. His kindness just wasn’t obvious and easy to understand. 

There’s no such thing as ultimate kindness. 

It’s impossible to live in this world without hurting people, Iwaizumi thought to himself. So then, was staying away from everyone an act of kindness or cowardice? 

And finally, was that why Oikawa only had one friend?

“I wanted you to teach me to be kind,” Oikawa said, his voice thick with tears. “I wanted to be kind for you because you were… It was your kindness that made me invincible.” 

“No, it wasn’t… Tooru, it wasn’t…”

 

_This whole time I was wrong, Tooru. You’re not an astronaut, because even astronauts get to come home eventually. To me, Tooru, you’re an alien. An alien that swept me off my feet and took me away to show me the sights I wasn’t ready to understand._

_I wasn’t ready to understand you, Tooru._

 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I’m sorry for misunderstanding you for so long.”

That night he kissed every inch of Oikawa’s body. Oikawa really must have been an alien, Iwaizumi figured, because it wasn’t possible that their bodies were alike. It seemed like Tooru sensed more and felt more, gasping for air each time he was touched by as much as a fingertip. And so Hajime was kissing his eyelids, and cheekbones, and between his legs. And it felt so effortlessly right.

It was the first time they had actual sex.

It was slightly awkward and Iwaizumi was surprised to find out Oikawa had only been with someone once. From Iwaizumi’s experience, things often got awkward when you’re intimate with someone for the first time, even if you did have sex with somebody else before. Each body is different and each person expects something else. Oikawa was slightly selfish in bed, but Iwaizumi could tell that all his hesitations came from thinking about it too hard and that made him smile. It’s not like they couldn’t work on that. And it didn’t matter in the end with Oikawa moaning quietly beneath him, as if too afraid of being heard, and Iwaizumi burying his face into Oikawa’s neck, their bodies rocking together, and just this once Iwaizumi let himself have this one silly thought that this, this was exactly why people think sex is such a big deal. It wasn’t the mechanics of it or the pleasure that came from doing it. It could all be captured in this one moment when he felt Oikawa trust him more than anyone else, and heard him whisper the words Hajime couldn’t bring himself to repeat even if his own head. It could be captured in the way he watched the rise and fall of Tooru’s chest when it was all done. It could all be captured in the smell of him, when two familiar scents came together to create something new and exciting.

Even if Hajime were good with words, it wouldn’t help him in that moment. Because it couldn’t be described. It had to be _felt_.

Tooru was right in the end. Life is life. Things don’t change just because you tell yourself they will. Life is about setting up goals. I will smile tomorrow. I will get out of bed. And sometimes it’s about deluding ourselves. I’ll try to think positively. Tomorrow I’ll get this done. 

So everyday we romanticize everything that seems too prosaic, and live our lives as if we lived inside a movie. For those unafraid to use their imagination, there’s music to their actions and there’s a beautiful symbolism behind each occurrence. It’s hard not to be afraid to live if we don’t romanticize things. It’s the kind of lie we all just accept, free of sin and simply pure. So we lie to make our stories more colorful. Our words become slightly over-dramatic. And we make fun of it too, so that all that romance wouldn’t make us too vulnerable.

But even if only illusions keep us alive, Iwaizumi thought to himself, it was moments like this that made it all worth it.

Iwaizumi woke up in Oikawa’s bed completely rested and content. Oikawa was still asleep, his breath even and calming, and his naked form barely covered by a bed sheet.

Iwaizumi’s back was still sore and he wondered just for how long he was going to have to carry the scares he got from Tooru’s fingernails. He didn’t mind the scares. He didn’t mind anything that came from Tooru, really.

Oikawa slept on his stomach, his back bare and flawless. Flawless if it wasn’t for…

Iwaizumi smiled.

Tooru stirred, stretching like a cat and turned over to face Hajime, but quickly he buried his face in a pillow with a groan. Iwaizumi moved closer, putting one hand on Tooru’s back and gently bit his earlobe.

“Is this how you greet me?” He asked, amused.

“It’s how I greet the sun,” Oikawa mumbled.

Iwaizumi’s hand moved lower.

“Fuck,” Tooru moaned and arched his back as Hajime kissed his neck, hard enough to bruise.

Soon he had his head buried between Oikawa’s long legs, nothing but wet sounds and Oikawa’s gasps filling the bedroom. Tooru’s knuckles were nearly white from where they were gripping the sheets, clearly avoiding pushing at Hajime’s head.

“Iwa…”

Tooru’s orgasms were always intense. He was biting at his lips to keep himself from making a sound, as he arched his back, lifting his hips violently upwards. Iwaizumi had expected him to be loud in bed, but under his bravado, Oikawa could be surprisingly shy. Iwaizumi loved calling him by his first name whenever they got intimate, but Oikawa stubbornly refused to call him Hajime in bed. He’d tried teasing him about it once, and that was the first time Tooru got really mad at him.

Oikawa’s hands fisted into his hair and he gasped coming into Hajime’s mouth, mumbling something that a combinatin of yeses and Iwa-chans _._ Oikawa’s legs were still shaking, so Iwaizumi massaged his thighs until he calmed down from his orgasm. He rested his chin on Oikawa’s hipbone and smiled at him softly. 

“That…” Oikawa’s voice was still shaky and that made Hajime weirdly pleased with himself. “That was a nice greeting. Uh, do you…?”

“I’m fine.”

“ _Oh_.”

“So,” Hajime began awkwardly. “How are you?" 

“Hmm, sore. Good sore, though.”

“You know,” Hajime said climbing up Oikawa’s body. “I noticed something very interesting when you were asleep.”

“Mm, did you, Iwa-chan?”

Without a warning, he started tickling Oikawa until he rolled over onto his stomach trying, to hide the most sensitive spots.

“What are you doing?” Tooru giggled and Iwaizumi could feel himself smiling, glad that Oikawa couldn’t possibly see his face. It had been way too long since the last time he’d heard him laugh.

“You have a lot of moles on your back,” he observed and let his finger wander from one mark to another. “Here, and here… and…”

“Iwa-chan!” Tooru squirmed beneath him and Iwaizumi laughed. Oikawa fell silent at that and rolled over to face Iwaizumi. His hands were careful to examine Hajime’s features and he felt the tip of Oikawa’s finger touching his lips. They parted under Oikawa’s touch and Tooru smiled. 

“Can I…?”

“Yeah.”

He loved kissing Tooru. If there was something in his life he could see himself doing till the end of his days, it was this. Kissing him deeply. Leaving small kisses on the tip of his nose. His eyelids. And other places he’d kissed before that made him blush once he thought about them.

Their lips were sliding together lazily, and Hajime let his tongue curl and lick over Oikawa’s lips.

“Can I do something?” he whispered, pulling away and Tooru bit his lip.

“I thought you just did.”

“I obviously didn’t mean that, dumbass.”

“Hmm, okay then.”

Hajime smiled. Oikawa was surprised to see him leave the room. Hajime came back as soon as he could with a sharpie and a phone. Tooru laughed. 

“Just what are you planning to do with that?”

“Shut up, idiot and roll over.”

“Mmm, bossy, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi worked in silence, ignoring every question asked by Oikawa. He kept glancing at his phone, mumbling words Oikawa couldn’t hear. When he was done, he took Tooru’s hand and had him close his eyes. He guided him out of the bedroom, laughing when Oikawa hit his head against the lamp hanging low in the living room.

They stopped suddenly and Iwaizumi squeezed his hand.

“Alright, you can open your eyes.”

Oikawa did and scrunched his nose immediately.

“It’s a mirror.”

“No shit it’s a mirror. How about you turn around, idiot?”

And so Oikawa did. 

“I told you, remember? There’s light in you, you see?”

“Iwa-chan…”

“Sorry for being cheesy.”

On his back, Hajime marked actual existing constellations, and Tooru gasped seeing how many of them Iwaizumi managed to find.

“I have freckles! I never noticed!”

“Well, you don’t see many things.” 

“That’s not true,” Oikawa opposed, putting his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck. “For example, I can see that you fucked up two of those constellations.” 

“You were _wiggling_. After I told you to lie still, dumbass.” 

“I could see how you looked at me when I woke up this morning. And I could tell you’re not scared anymore. And I liked it very much.”

“Well, aren’t you clairvoyant.”

“And finally,” Oikawa continued, moving a little closer. “I see you, Hajime.”

“Oikawa…”

“I always see you.”

There was something between them that was silent and unmoving. It was all the things Hajime never believed that existed in the first place, and all the things Tooru was afraid of.

“You’re a strange one, Oikawa Tooru.”

“Hm?”

Iwaizumi laughed.

“I used to think you were an astronaut. The way you kept dragging me with you on your adventures. But then, you seemed so far away that I changed my mind, and figured you must be an alien. And now, look at you. Turns out you carry stars with you wherever you go.”

“Well, Iwa-chan. Things aren’t always just black and white.”

Somewhere behind them the clock struck twelve. The blinds in the living room remained unclosed from last night, letting the sunlight in. Tiny dust was dancing in the air, right before Oikawa’s nose and Hajime had never felt more alive.

_There’s so much light in you, Tooru._

**Author's Note:**

> This entire work was inspired by "Pluto" by Sleeping At Last. I remember listenting to their entire album and writing down two lines that really broke my heart. "show me where my armor ends/show me where my skin begins". And it immediately made me think of Iwaizumi. So I worked from there.
> 
> In a way, "Pluto" was supposed to be my analysis of Oikawa as a character. But even though Iwaizumi calls Tooru a traveller, in the end, it’s Hajime’s journey. And it starts in one of the darkest places of our solar system. It wasn't angst written for angst's sake, though. I couldn't make it too linear, but if you paid close attention, it gets brighter and britgher towards the ending. The next part, when written, will be entitled "Saturn." We’re getting closer to the Sun. 
> 
> Another songs from this story’s playlist are "This Woman’s Work" by Kate Bush (also an amazing cover by Greg Laswell!), "Two of us on the run" by Lucius and finally, "Light" by Sleeping At Last. Make sure to check them out!
> 
> The book Iwaizumi was reading, was obviously "The Little Prince", a book befitting my little star travellers. My mom used to say that "The Little Prince" is the kind of book you should reread every few years, because as you change, so does your perception of the story. I actually described the very raggedy copy I used to own. Also, the moment Oikawa chose to fall asleep is pretty significant. If you can't recall it, read chapter 10 of "The Little Prince." A little clue: the planet was inhabited by a king.
> 
> "The Little Prince" is an important story about love and misunderstandings. My story does far worse job portraying it, but misunderstanding is definitely there. There's also a lot of "fill in the blanks" kind of moments throughout the entire story, since Hajime is a very unreliable guide. He doesn't tell us everything and focuses mostly on Tooru's, rather than his own journey. I hope you caught that. Now, am I suggesting that Tooru is Hajime’s rose? Or maybe Oikawa is the prince and Iwaizumi’s the narrator? That’s up to you to decide.
> 
> This story in a lot of ways is very personal. I struggled with depression for years, and Tooru’s conflict is my own. I wanted Tooru to get his happy ending, but as the next part will show, things are never just that easy. And like he said, no one gets cured by sheer power of love. Hajime’s mother is actually based off my grandma. And just like Hajime, I struggled with understanding her words, understanding kindness. Is it so easy, though? Well, first of all, Hajime might have understood some things, but people don’t change easily. Second of all, a careful reader will notice a lot hesitation in Oikawa's action. Maybe even distrust. So that's something I'd to talk about in the future.
> 
> Thank you for reading my story! I hope I managed to keep you interested.


End file.
